the sound of quiet
that fills the moments
in between
swells my heart
to near maximum.
the sound of quiet
and your shallow
sleeping breath.
May 29, 2012
love,
May 28, 2012
long weekend.
We had an amazing weekend. On Saturday, we spent the day on the lake, wake boarding and swimming and laughing and getting some color on my pasty white legs.
Greg’s friends are so chill. I love that. I don’t know why I am nervous going into situations where I don’t know anyone because it never really matters. I am usually comfortable within the first 5 minutes. Every time.
On Sunday, Greg and I just hung out, not really doing anything too productive. But it was the best lazy-ish Sunday in a long time. We went shopping around and saw Chernobyl Diaries at Legends. Then we pretty much decided that Saturday had wiped us both out so I came home and he went back to Grant’s.
Today: I am working on Project Life and going to take my new camera (Canon 60D!) out on its first girl date with me. I had originally planned on doing Mark and Ash’s family pictures, but little Raelyn isn’t feeling too well. Poor baby girl.
Also, Happy Memorial Day to our Veterans! <3
May 23, 2012
this i know.
You know those books that suck you in and make you wish you had thought of the stream of words that are floating on that page. This I Know is absolutely one of those books for me. I have teared up more than once reading through Susannah’s journey through her grief of the death of her partner, and while I never have experienced something like that (God forbid I ever do), I have had many of the same emotions about my own injury. It’s dumbfounding to me how grief can be a universal emotional about so many things and how many different ways there are to pull yourself from under it.
I anticipated this book for some time, following its progress on Susannah’s blog and then waiting for the final publication. I made myself wait to buy it, but there are some things that should not be put off.
I am glad I didn’t wait any longer.
May 22, 2012
period.
Even when you
aren’t convincing me,
you really are.
Because I already know it
and feel it
and one thousand percent
believe it.
You were absolutely
made for me
to love.
May 21, 2012
class of 2012.
Lots of graduations this year for our families. Makinna from preschool, Ashley from Washburn Tech, and Brady and Kelsey both from high school. It sure did make the weekend hectic, but it is so good to see them all doing something with themselves.
Congratulations guys!
May 17, 2012
thoughts.
+ I haven’t had much poetry up lately, but be looking for some soon. There are really only so many ways to say that I am blissfully happy.
+ This rest of this week/weekend are going to be so crazy busy. Graduations galore. I am tired already, just thinking about it.
+ Work has been better. People have backed off, and I have learned to not take on more than I am being paid to do.
+ I am ready for just one night of sleep without a nightmare. Does this happen often when people are slightly stressed or have a major life happening? I could really go for a good dream.
+ No wedding date set yet, but since my cousin Brooke is getting married March 16, 2013, I am guessing we’ll go for April sometime. <3 Don't worry, this blog will be up on all the plans as they go.
+ p.s. I’m sorry in advance for all the lovey dovey crazy happy posts that are sure to be in the future. :)
May 12, 2012
sigh.
I am still in shock, I think.
He loves me so much, it would probably make me cry if I thought about it too much. But I won’t because I am taking it as it comes and just being happy.
I made the first list for the wedding. Don’t worry, I won’t freak out and go bridezilla on my blog, and I am not going to rush the plans at all. I just wanted to have a look at all the things that will need to be done and places that will need to be called and things that will need to be scheduled. And there are a lot.
But again, this week, I am just being happy with the fact that I found someone who is what I had dreamed of and wished for. Someone who makes me smile when I don’t want to smile. Someone who makes me laugh at myself. Someone who loves me.
May 9, 2012
Atlanta.
Finally, I am getting around to this.
Mandy and I left Thursday morning and came home on Friday afternoon/evening. It went pretty smoothly considering it was my first time flying. Except for the guy who sat next to us on the plane. I don’t know what was wrong with him, but he had some sort of seizure early into out flight Thursday. Scariest thing I have ever seen. He seized then just went limp, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t breathing for about 10 seconds. Then he just woke up, like nothing had happened. Scary, scary, scary.
We did an audit that afternoon, and Sarah and some of the girls from the office took us out to dinner at Atkin’s Park Tavern. Soooo good. I had my first fried green tomato, and I could have eaten about 12 more. We laughed and told stories and made good friends with people who were before, just coworkers.
Friday was fast. We worked clear up until the time that the transportation van came to take us back to the airport.
It was a quick trip, but next time our boss has agreed to let us go for an extra night. Mostly because we were exhausted, and we want to see the aquarium. Sometimes he does spoil us.
May 8, 2012
project life: week 18.
Week 18 was a fun one for obvious reasons. Atlanta, engagement, life.
I’ll let the pictures do the talking.
May 7, 2012
5.5.12
It has been the busiest, craziest, and happiest 4 days of my life. Truly.
I originally planned on talking about Atlanta in my next post, but there is a little bit bigger news coming your way.
Get ready for it….
Yes, I did!
He pulled it off flawlessly. I had absolutely no idea it was coming. Even my sister and mom kept the secret for 2 weeks without dropping even a little hint. That’s an amazing feat in itself, believe me.
THE STORY: We had all planned a get together at my oldest brother’s to shoot guns and eat and have a few beers (after the guns, of course). People from work were coming. Friends were coming. Greg’s brother and wife and kids were coming. So he apparently saw it as the perfect time to pop the question.
We had just finished shooting the guns in the hot sun. We were all hot and hungry so we went back to the house. Everyone hung out before we lined up for food. Greg was last in line, and he came over to our table (where his brother Grant, Grant’s wife Shannon, Mandy, Darcy, and my mom had already sat down to eat. He walked up with his plate. Since I was there first, my wheelchair was halfway blocking his way to sit (weird tables). He goes “Could you back up a little?” So I did. He says “No, a little more.” So I did. He says again “No, back up.” Now, I was back plenty so that he could slide in to the table. I was so confused. Why did he need so much room?
Then he started digging in his pocket and crouched down. I flipped. I don’t know how many times I said “Oh my God!” but it was more than once. I laughed and cried and was a little panicked from all of it. Mandy and Darcy were taking pics and recording it. Everyone else was sort of ooh-ing and aww-ing. I think so anyway. I don’t really remember what anyone else was doing because I was trying to keep myself from completely losing it. It was emotional. It was crazy. It was so perfect.
I am so glad that he kept it a secret. I’m glad I didn’t have any inkling about when, where, etc. He did a great job of making it memorable and our type of romantic and real. He picked a perfect ring. I love him like crazy. And he is mine!
(I’ll get on that Atlanta post soon when I can breathe again.)
May 4, 2012
home sweet home.
I went to Atlanta on my very first plane ride. And I made it home safely.
More to come, but mostly I wanted to share the picture above. Isn’t it gorgeous?
May 1, 2012
onto the next.
Life has been crazy. Inspiration has been lacking. Work has been stressful and tiring and beyond frustrating.
But things are looking up. Just when I was every seriously weighing quitting my job and finding something else to do with my time, something happier, I got an email that someone had ordered a card from my Etsy shop. I haven’t had anything new up for months, and I wasn’t going to renew any of the listings when they had expired. It was just something else that I didn’t want to stress about. But that email and packaging up the sold card tonight kickstarted a little bit of motivation.
I am going to relist cards to hopefully purge my stash and start on something new. Exactly what that will be, I don’t know yet, but it will be something. Greg will be in St. Louis quite a lot so I’ll need something new to occupy my mind anyway.
Here we go.
April 29, 2012
weekend recap.
+ My Friday nights are becoming predictable. TV and then going to bed early. Is this what becoming an adult is like?
+ Greg and I went to Mount Vernon, MO to see Angel, who was injured in April. Our first little road trip together. 6 hours both ways and somehow we were still getting along when we got back. haha. ;) It was a good trip. Angel seems to be doing really well and is one of those people who you can tell will be just fine. Paralysis doesn’t have to be the end of it all.
+ St. Louis got hammered with hail, and Greg is heading out tomorrow for work there. It will be odd to not see him for an entire week. Thankfully, it’s only 4 hours away and not 10 hours or something crazy like that. <3
+ Rain, rain, and more rain. It's dreary and tiring. I need a nap.
April 27, 2012
the day after.
Yesterday wasn’t bad. It wasn’t particularly hard.
It was just another day that happened to be April 26.
And I couldn’t be happier that not one tear fell.
April 26, 2012
nine years.
Can you believe it? Nine years.
Nine years ago, I was paralyzed. Doctors were trying to xray and draw blood and keep me awake and stabilize my blood pressure. Basically, trying to keep me alive. But here I am. What a crazy thought. Unsettling and unreal.
The 8th year was a trying one, I won’t lie, but it was also one full of personal growth. Maybe you all can tell from my posts, but this year, I found happiness. Total, true, real and whole happiness. Not just because I found a great man who puts up with me because he wants to. But happiness within myself. I am happy because this year I learned how to forgive the people who don’t matter. I learned how to dramatically and quietly cut out negative and fake people from my life. I learned that keeping yourself fully busy with work, family, friends, and hobbies is tiring but totally necessary. I learned that real adult responsibility is such a stressful but rewarding thing. I learned that I need to give myself time to think and to care about me too. I learned that trust is not hard with a deserving person. I learned that you have to be the kind of person you would want to have as a friend. I learned (and I’m still learning) how to be good at being a part of two, instead of always on my own. I learned that I don’t always have to be so tough. I learned that I don’t have to give up any of my strength to be a softie too.
I have learned that simplifying life makes everything much more clear and focused. I thrive on clear and focused, and I plan on continuing that into my future.
Bring it on, year nine.
April 21, 2012
sometime, it doesn’t matter.
I have a shuddering pain
that leaves me
blinking back tears
choking back words
holding onto a kind of anxious
that grounds me
and tells me to stay.
Slowly, it passes,
the calm circles
its way back
and sets itself in my lap again.
The colors return to normal
and smiles are easy.
But oh, that pain,
it is called worry.
April 20, 2012
instagramming
I love Instagram. Like, really, I love it. Simple, beautiful, easy, accessible, fun. Some of my favorites are landscapes because they just seem to pop out with simplicity. And I rather like simplicity lately, even if I don’t seem to have a lot of it.
Here are a few of mine from lately.
April 18, 2012
Sigh.
Sometimes I come home and can go about my evening without thinking about work at all. And sometimes I can’t.
Today was a rough day at work. Busy and frustrating and long and tiring. It is like the frustration built and built and by 4 o’clock, I was so ready to go home that I could’ve screamed. But it seems that my Wednesdays are forming a pattern and becoming my longest day of the week every week. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so ready for Thursday and Friday to be here so that the weekend is right around the corner, or if I’m just not a Wednesday person. Or if I’m just burnt out on my job altogether. Sometimes when I’m at work I feel like it sucks all of the life out of me, and makes me a bitter person, someone who doesn’t want to be just a paperwork babysitter.
I feel like the motivation that I once had is gone. I had all sorts of plans. I was going to do big things. Now all I need is a change.
I like my boss. He did his best to get me hired permanently, and for that, I thank him. Having a job really has been good for me. Not that it’s a big accomplishment because I’m handicap, but it just gave me something to do and something to feel good about. But lately, with all the new responsibility that they’ve given me without a decent pay compensation, I just don’t feel good about it anymore. I don’t wake up and want to go to work. I don’t go to work thinking “this is going to be a great day.” Mostly, I go to work and I’m ready to go home by the time the 8 o’clock meeting is over. That’s not good.
I need a day off. I need a few off I think.
Ah, end rant.
April 16, 2012
g,
Today is your birthday. 35 years young, and getting better everyday.
You really are one of a kind. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I feel fortunate that you choose to find it with me.
You bring out the things in me that I didn’t even know I needed. You save me from things I thought were okay to be content with. You make me want more. You make me ambitious again. You have heart enough to fill mine. You make me feel worth all this, and I hope that I make you feel the same.
We have many more birthdays to celebrate together.
Me & you.
